Time To Bite The Bullet!

"the wrong side of a lifetime's wishful thinking,
 drove me here to pills and ale,
 come and listen, come and listen
 to my tale..."

Within a few months of my return to the UK, a feeling of 'homelessness' developed as I entered a very dark phase of my life, exposing my inner demons, shame and weaknessess, causing me to lose the plot for a while and go totally AWOL!
As already mentioned, the problem with the bank was ongoing and remains so to this day, but that was the least of my worries...

As you may remember from my last blog, I had just found out that my friend had been involved in an accident. What I wasn't aware of at the time, was that this incident occurred whilst at home with her young daughter, and could have easily been avoided. Without going into too much detail, her state was so bad that the attending paramedics reported her for her abusive nature and sited a case to social services, stating that she was an unfit mother.
As soon as I returned I attempted to smooth the waters.
Firstly, I assured all parties that I was living with her and her little girl, that I was a steadying influence on them both, and that I would be permanently around from now on.
I sat down with social services, followed by a meeting with the head teacher of the lttle girls' nursery school, and even spoke to the local community police officer, to resolve everything and make sure that her little girl wouldn't be taken away.
I even offered to adopt the little girl, or at least become her legal guardian to give my friend the comfort that her daughter would be safe in my care no matter what ever happened.
Unfortunately, all this was to be forgotten in time which breaks my heart.
I know that I was as good as a dad to my friends little girl, looking after her every day, helping her with her school work, getting her into reading and books via the local library - we both loved reading 'The Gruffalo' - and generally just being around all of the time.
I took up a temporary job working a nightshift, so that I could contribute to the household income whilst still being able to look after her during the day as her mum persued a career, but again all of this is conveniently forgotten.

When my friend took up with her same ex-boyfriend yet again - that was the straw that broke the camels back for me. This guy had no time for the little girl - he had already given up on two of his own kids from a failed marriage - and all he was interested in was enjoying a social life with my friend, meaning he was neglecting all other 'family' orientated responsibilities. Despite all my previous help and support, I was effectively removed from the family environment that I had helped to create, but was still expected to take care of the little girl during the day. I was being abused and taken for granted, so when a few days off became available I took off to visit Jimi & Denn in Cheltenham.
On the eve of my scheduled return I received a rather unpleasant voice mail message from my so-called friend, which made me realise that I was wasting my time and effort on our previously agreed 'arrangement'. So rather than return to Berkshire, I completely lost the plot, jacked in my temporary night job, and set out to find a new spiritual home...and ended up in Edinburgh, Scotland!

I had always wanted to travel north of the border, and Edinburgh was the only capital city in the British Isles which I hadn't yet visited, and as the famous Edinburgh Festival was in full swing I thought why the hell not!
I arrived on a sunny Thursday afternoon after booking myself into a suprisingly available hotel, I went out to explore Edinburgh and witness all that the Festival had to offer.
I awoke on the Friday to be greeted by a downpour of rain which continued throughout the day. With nothing planned and a deep depression setting in, I found the first of many pubs and went on a bit of a binge.
Feeling very sad, lonely and isolated, I probably cut a sorry figure but by the time I made it back to my hotel in the evening via an off licence, I really didn't care what anybody thought and I didn't think anybody cared anyway. I do remember that somewhen during the afternoon I did pop into an internet cafe and left some facebook messages to my good friends Glenn & Ruth, Jimi & Denn, Elona Mortimer-Zhika, and Jo Rolfe, as if I was anticipating that the end was nigh and knowing what was going to happen next...although what actually did happen next remains a bit of a blur in places.

What I do remember is that I was awoken on the Saturday morning at 11am by the ringing of my hotel room phone. It was reception informing me that I should have checked out an hour ago. I hastily gathered up my things, noticing a half empty bottle of red wine next to a half empty bottle of sleeping pills, settled my bill and left.
Within minutes of leaving the hotel, as I was crossing the road I was violently sick. This wasn't the usual hangover sick, but something much worse. I collapsed onto the side of the kerb and dialled for an ambulence. Almost immediately the paramedics were with me and I was rushed into Edinburgh Infirmary.
The next few hours were a bit hazy, but I do remember having various tests done, and a meeting with a counsellor to determine whether I was suicidal or not.
It was at this point that the severity of my actions kicked in, and the reality that I was hundreds of miles away from anyone that I knew, and I had absolutely no money other than the fiver that remained in my wallet.
God, what had I done?
During the afternoon I was discharged, and as I stumbled out of the hospital I felt faint and collapsed again.
I returned back inside to be checked over once again, had further tests and examinations done, before being instructed that I should be well enough to leave.
By this time it was early evening and somehow I had contacted my parents and Jimi & Denn in Cheltenham, and between them they had arranged the purchase of a coach ticket from Edinburgh to Cheltenham on the Sunday, which was sent via a text message to my phone which would be accepted by the coach company.
I hung around the A&E all Saturday night, which was an experience in itself, and left around 5am on the Sunday morning to walk back into Edinburgh city centre, and locate the bus station as my coach was due to depart at 7am.

I boarded the coach and then travelled to Cheltenham via Glasgow, Carlisle, and Birmingham, and made it safely back to where I was picked up by Jimi. I then spent the next week at their house, recovering and get myself back together. I felt totally ashamed by my actions, especially feeling like I had walked out on the little girl, but at the end of the day as my now ex-friend bluntly told me, I wasn't her father so f**k off!
Fortunately, the love of my true friends and family got me through this awful dark depression.
I had lost loads of weight, but a combination of some great home cooking from my friends and later from my family, plus some light exercise soon got me back to good health.
A week later I left Cheltenham and I made the journey by train back 'home' to Bognor Regis in a bid to start again and pick up the pieces of my life which was in total disarray to say the least.
For the first time in my life I had no home of my own, no job, and no money - I was totally lost and no clue what the future would bring.

This was August 2009.

My next blog in a few days time takes me right up to the present day (you'll be pleased to know, Nicky!), and tells all about my adjustments to living back 'home' in Bognor Regis.
But with Christmas 2010 now upon us, it would be wrong for me to leave on a sour note and be all doom and gloom. So as with everything that I've experienced in life, I try to take the positives out of every situation. After all, if I'd hit rock bottom then surely now the only way was onwards and upwards.
In this case that meant that events in Scotland brought me closer to my family, and it had also brought me back 'home'.
I also learned who my real friends were, as they were there when I really needed them...especially Jimi & Denn, my Irish 'family', and my good mates Elona, Jo, and Martin.
And finally, a hint of a romance from my darkness days in Berkshire resurfaced around this time, and still lingers to this day...maybe next year events will conspire to bring us together?

Keeping the faith & hope alive.

Nomadic Steve